by Allegra
Workplace Accommodations
by Allegra, May 4, 2016 10:32 pm
We/MDS are fortunate in that our employer is very mindful of its legal obligations. And we personally are very open about having MDD and GAD. As we see it, these are medical conditions that just happen to affect mental health.
We have an office with a door in a quiet corner of the floor. The office with the door is mainly because we have materials that have to be locked up. But we were given this space by people who also had our need for quiet in mind.
Unfortunately, our company is also planning a large-scale remodeling of the office. During the planning process, we are constantly advocating for our needs and those of our fellow introverts. If doing so also helps someone else's accommodation issues, so much the better.
__________
Protectors and Defenders
by Allegra, May 10, 2016 3:52 pm
Thanks to [an online friend] for explaining the difference between protector and defender. It makes sense. We don't have that kind of delineation, and we're trying to get away from roles, but the fact is that these functions still need to be done. After all these years of general progress, we're at a stage right now where a lot of us aren't sure who we are or what we're here for.
Internal dialogue:
Laura: I clean up my own sh*t, and everybody else's sh*t as well.
Allegra: Not as much as you think. Stop exaggerating your own importance.
As you can see, we all have stuff to work on. I (Allegra) would like to get back to showing more of the compassion and empathy that I believe in so strongly, but doing so much day-to-day stuff leaves me weary. I get restless when I'm not doing anything.
I think that I get respect, though. Laura likes to act like she doesn't respect anybody (she identifies with [this online friend's] "circus of idiots," except that she sees the whole world that way). The respect issue doesn't worry me. If I know that I'm doing the right thing, the rest takes care of itself.
__________
On Differentiation
by Mary and Allegra, May 13, 2016 11:17 am
The concept of "all here from the beginning even if not yet differentiated" is very, very important for us.
Our analogy is that we're like a sandbox. All the sand is there from the beginning, and it all remains there. (We understand about rambunctious play possibly flinging sand outside of the box, but bear with us anyway, because it's the best analogy for us.)
The sand in the box is a very fluid mass. Castles can be formed and reconfigured as situations dictate. Every castle formed is formed from the whole, even if other castles still exist at the time. Because of the fluidity of sand, the foundation upon which existing castles stand will change, even if the structure of the existing castle remains the same. It's a "ripple effect" of sorts.
More importantly, this analogy sidesteps the concept of splitting, which is troublesome for us, because it assumes that the resulting persons are parts of whomever they split from, and that therefore the one who was split either no longer exists, or is somehow less of a person than before the split. We need to see our individual selves as having potential for growth, not as having limits. (By "growth" we don't mean more sand in the sandbox, but instead achieving the fullness of healing.)
__________
No Means No
[opens in a new window]
by Laura, May 17, 2016 11:25 am
__________
Safety Measures
by Allegra, May 23, 2016 3:40 pm
We are having difficulty again. I have put certain safety measures in place, including calling our T and arranging for an extra session this Friday in addition to the usual Wednesday evening session.
I have enlisted Mary in the overall support plan, since she is the only adult in our system who is functioning well enough to participate in this way. However, she has been a bit rattled by the most recent events, although she has promised to work with me. If the two of us focus on the rapport and the common goals that we already have with each other, we believe that we can make this plan work.
It's also essential that Laura cooperate with this plan. Because of her strong personality, her participation can make or break our progress. I have assured her that getting on board with this as a safety measure won't ruin her reputation. :-/ So she has agreed.
Meanwhile, we'd appreciate it if you would keep us in your thoughts.
__________
Needing Support
by Charity, May 24, 2016 12:52 pm
I'm feeling more and more stressed as the day goes on. A vague panic signals the constant tension inside. It feels suffocating.
I know I should ask for help from some of the others. I keep playing into the same unhealthy dynamic. :-/
[4:26 pm]
I need to learn to recognize and acknowledge the Good Things.
1. I did not raid the snack machine at work. Our bathroom scale has been telling us things that we don't want to hear, and I don't want to sabotage our health or well-being. I want to set a good example.
2. I located some important work documents that I thought were permanently lost. We were not the one who "lost" them, but we waited far too long to try to account for them. Today I felt myself slowly sinking into The Pit for other reasons, and as much as I was tempted to let myself sink further, I got out of our chair and went to work on reducing our stack of pending documents. This was where I found the missing ones.
I need to let myself be okay with being better. I keep fearing that if I make progress and share it, other people will expect me to be doing well all the time. I want and need support, but I don't want pity. At times I feel like I have no clue what's healthy.
Time to leave work and go home.
__________
What Makes a Teen a Teen?
by Laura, May 25, 2016 2:57 pm
Is it age? Is it behavior? Is it emotional perspective? Is it simply "because I said so"?
I've had a bee in my proverbial bonnet about this for as long as I can remember. I'm 17 and a half, and Allegra is 17. I identify with the classic oppositional teen, and Allegra's so unfailingly responsible and mature that it p*sses me off no end. I know I'm painting this picture with broad strokes as it applies to each of us, but the point is that no matter how much Allegra insists that she's 17, it seems to me that she acts too "adult."
Why should this bother me? I don't want to get into that. I don't want to have to justify my feelings here; I do enough of that on the inside. What I do want is some clarity on what really makes a teen a teen. Can my truth and her truth both be valid when they seem to be in direct conflict? Is some greater force just trying to make me/us feel as foolish as we've felt throughout our life?
As someone(s) who spent their entire 3d adolescence surrounded by over-achieving outside teens, and not feeling like one of them despite our constant efforts to please outside authority figures, I just want Allegra and myself to be normal teens.
So what makes a teen a teen?
__________
Needing Support, Part Deux
by Laura, May 27, 2016 3:26 pm
[Our additional T appointment is today] at 5:30. We have to drive in rush hour. :-/
Our neighbor put in our AC today. Not a moment too soon. It got up to 87F/30C. Ugh. We get very cranky if it's more than 75F/24C.
I did the talking to our T the other day. During most appointments I shut up and let Charity talk about her stuff, but I figured I was due for a turn. Some of our issues overlap. I am not amused by that fact.
Rachel has her bileous rumbling down to a dull roar, but it's still everpresent. None of us need that sh*t. The next member of our headspace that says that I'm the problem is gonna get b*tch-slapped.
__________
What Makes a Teen a Teen? Part Deux
by Laura, May 26, 2016 5:28 pm
[To a teen in another system, who claimed to "lean towards maturity."]
Yeah, we have folks like that. I ain't one of 'em. :-P Or at least I try to give that impression. Remember that Billy Crystal spoof of Fernando Lamas? "It is better to look mahvelous than to feel mahvelous." Perception is everything, especially when it comes to dealing with outside people.
[On teens who act like "mini-adults" and grown men who act like teens.]
We were a mini-adult as a child. Always felt more comfortable around adults than other kids. And most comfortable alone.
Thirty going on 17....like that Johnsonville Sausage commercial where the thirty-something guy is living with his parents and throws a tantrum because he couldn't have his sausages. We cringe when we see it. It's too me even for me. :-/
[On "a high scool filled [with] jocks, goths, preps, truants, rebels, nerds dorks and geeks. loners and cliqs. kids that get straight A ' s planning for scholarships and kids who cut class and mouth off to teachers. but every single one is a 'teen'. and every single one is different."]
Yeah, we have too many memories of that scenario. We were in advanced classes and didn't fit in anywhere socially. The story of our life.
__________
Needing Support, Part 3
by Charity, May 29, 2016 6:12 pm
Thanks, everyone. Friday and Saturday were okay (we think :-/ ). Today was not.
We are feeling very untrusting right now, even of each other. It's hard to let go of a childhood belief that Some Evil Force Is Watching Us And Waiting For Us To Show How Worthless We Are So That It Can Laugh At Our Misery.
It's been with us all our life; why should it go away now?
A jumble of MDs, not unlike a Picasso painting
__________
What Makes a Teen a Teen? Part 3
by Laura, May 31, 2016 2:04 pm
I get what [our friends are] saying about Allegra and me both being normal. Sigh. :-/ It just seems to me that maturity is a precursor to aging, and I don't want that. Allegra and I are a set. Lucy and Ethel. Abbott and Costello. Frick and Frack, whoever the hell they are. Allegra says she's staying a teen, but that doesn't feel reassuring to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment