Wishful Thinking

by Charity

In the 20 years since we realized that we were multiple, I/we have never doubted it, or denied it to ourselves or to others (such as our T) who know.  But recently I've been going through moments of denial that I/we sometimes see other systems experiencing.

Why now?  Why me?  Because during the last few years, I've become painfully aware of how deeply I've stuck my head in the sand during our life.  I have trouble accepting reality.  I have trouble being present in reality, and I go through life wishing it was different, if not pretending that it is. 

But I can't hide in our inner world anymore.  I can't create an endless fictional world (completely different from our inner/system world) anymore.  I want to avoid reality, avoid our life, but I simply can't anymore.

So it seems that my recent bout of denying our multiplicity, of denying that all of us are real and that I'm Charity, one of many, not Bodyname, a singleton, is simply my latest attempt at wishful thinking.  It doesn't work anymore for me, and I have to deal with it.  I have to heal from it.  We all depend on it as a group, but I need this healing for me.