by Allegra
Getting Rid of Insiders?
by Laura and Allegra, February 4, 2016 4:26 pm
[In response to the question "How to get rid of an alter?"]
In our opinion, it's not possible. Each member is part of the collective person. It would be like saying, "Oh, I don't need my lungs to function; I'll just get rid of them."
Each part of the whole is necessary to the whole. Perhaps one member's behavior is unacceptable to others, but this is solved by changing the behavior, changing the perception about the behavior, or both.
In other words, parts of the self don't go away; they're either repressed/ignored, or they're given the chance to heal. The former may seem to work, but it usually makes things worse in the long run. The latter can take unbearably long, but it's worth it. Win-win.
Your Mileage May Vary (tm).
__________
"Host"
by Charity, February 5, 2016 1:44 pm
[On the term "host" and why it doesn't apply to us, in response to an online friend who said that someone from his system "was out in therapy and didn't know who he was yet."]
We can relate to this for two reasons[...]. One is the "didn't know who he was yet," which happens to us often. We found everybody in our system by 2003, and we have a clear enough idea of who everybody is supposed to be. But oftentimes one or more of us don't know who we are in the moment; we feel like a mixture of people and are prone to what [another online friend] refers to as "passive influence." It's very frustrating.
And as we progress in therapy, a number of us are finding that our true selves can be very different from our envisioned selves. This feels very unsettling, because our sense of individual and collective identity is often the only thing that keeps us grounded.
[The male online friend quoted above wrote about how unwitting singletons try to relate the experience of a multiple to something that happens with them.]
Yes, they have no clue. :-/
This is why we no longer disclose. Our parents [knew], as do our two brothers, our sister-in-law, and two former co-workers. Sometimes people react the way [this friend] describes when we talk about major depression, which we're fairly open about having. If people react this way about MDD, why would we even think about disclosing that we're multiple?
[Another online friend who wrote about feeling tested by others in her system.]
I really identify with this. How many times have I heard someone else inside say, "Well, she asked to be a big." No, I didn't ask. I just passively went along with much in life, including aging, at least until the body turned 25. This notion that I "asked for" my pain is akin to saying that a rape survivor "asked for it." And yes, I have the right to make this analogy.
I'm so glad we can come here.
__________
"Life is Pain," Part Deux; Self-Censorship
by Laura, February 16, 2016 3:08 pm
[To the forum member with the painful-looking avatar.]
I can honestly say that in the 20 years that we've been a part of the online multiple community, I've never been asked that question. :-/
I get along well with our kids, although I don't know why. I'm snarky, sarcastic, opinionated, lazy, impatient, and sometimes downright obnoxious. Just ask Allegra. I don't trust people, and I'm not close to a lot of people. I only say all this because I don't want to feed into anyone's expectations only to have the other person end up being disappointed.
To answer your Laura's question, no. I've never wanted to run down a hill flapping my arms. I'm more interested in things like doing stuff on the computer, watching baseball and American football on TV, and taking naps.
[3:49 pm]
[On holding one's tongue at work.]
Oh, man, do I identify with that form of self-censorship. :-/
We were hunkered down at home all weekend because of the polar vortex. Although we did have to get our car fixed Saturday morning. We were due for inspection and an oil change, but we also had to get the glass replaced on the driver-door rearview mirror. It had been hit a couple of times by people shoveling snow. Our mechanic had ordered the part for the mirror in advance, so we couldn't miss the appointment.
Unfortunately, when he started the work, he found that the brakes also had to be fixed. Total cost for everything: $570.13. :-O
At least we got home before the weather got below 20F.
__________
Multiples and Working
by Laura and Allegra, February 19, 2016 6:45 pm
[...W]e understand not liking corporate jobs. Unfortunately, that's all we're suited for, given our need for stability.
When the body was in college and shortly thereafter, the bigs had this idea that we would only be of value if we had a corporate job. They/we were misguided on several levels. One, we came from a family of white-collar professionals, and this was all we knew. Two, we were desperate for our parents' approval and validation, so we thought that we had to make the same kinds of life choices that they did. And three, there's always been one or more people in our system who are very conscious of status and class, for better or for worse. It all ties back to not feeling valued.
_________
Hormones and Switching
by Laura and Allegra, February 24, 2016 7:24 pm
[To someone online who asked if hormones could affect switching, and also about whether it was possible to be aware of what's going on but not have anybody "in the driver's seat."]
1. Absolutely. We're just finishing menopause, which did a number on our trauma healing process. As annoying as it was to have hot flashes, night sweats, no energy, and constant fatigue, the worst thing by far were the awful mood swings, kind of like PMDD times a zillion. Our moody insiders became even moodier. If we had given in to these mood swings, we might not be here today.
2. Hard for us to say. We rarely if ever have those "lights are on but nobody's home" moments. There's almost always somebody driving the bus.
__________
On "Adulting"
by Laura, February 24, 2016 7:43 pm
[To a teen in a friend's system.]
We hear you[...]. Nobody in our system wants to do the adult stuff. We sound like a broken record saying this over and over again, but it's true.
We talked to our T on Skype tonight because of the weather. She reminded us that on the whole, we act far more responsible than a lot of singletons and non-survivors. True, but this doesn't solve the problem of not wanting to be responsible. It constantly feels like we're one step away from falling down into a hole of complete dysfunction, particularly since we have to devote so much time and energy to our job.
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