The Month That Was, March 2016

by Allegra

For the Helpers
by Allegra, March 23, 2016 2:05 pm

In the tradition of all of the other "For the...." threads here [at PsychForums], I am starting this thread as a place for people who identify as system helpers (that is, members of a system who devote a significant amount of time and energy to helping their system run smoothly inside and out). Here we can talk about successes and challenges, including enabling and/or the temptation to "over-help" instead of letting system-mates figure things out for themselves. We can also share ideas and encourage each other.

I am a 17-year-old co-fronter and an energetic "people person." I do not carry the pain that some of my headmates do, and the memories that I personally have of our childhood and adolescence are positive. However, I know well that there's a lot of pain in our collective past, and we have a lot of healing to do. My hope is that I can encourage the others in our system to find healing and peace, so that we can better our quality of life.

So, what's your story?
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For the Helpers, Part 2
by Mary and Allegra, March 26, 2016 12:28 pm

For the purpose of this [post] only, we will use color coding for Mary's responses and Allegra's responses. Text in neutral/black will represent the two of us (and any "stealth" contributors) speaking in unison.

Mary is 23 and Charity's confidante, and Allegra is 17 and Laura's confidante. This is only a portion of who we are and what we do.

I too love to read and learn. I know who I am and don't try to be anyone that I'm not. I believe in encouraging others, but I do so in a quiet way, most easily one-on-one. I have values and principles, but I know when the best course of action is for me to step back, and I listen to my instincts. I accept that my leadership is not one of assertiveness or high visibility, and I am at peace with who I am.

Neither of the two of us has personal trauma memories. While we believe that each member of our system existed in some form from the beginning, I did not appear until we were a toddler, and Mary has no memories prior to third or fourth grade.

I love psychology. :-) Both of us love understanding how others think and what makes them behave the way that they do. We've studied Myers-Briggs and other theories of personality quite extensively on our own.

Balance [between inside and outside] is important to us as well. Allegra is very good at social interaction, but some of our others worry that her people skills give outsiders the impression that this is who we are all the time. We know that it's necessary to act this way to fit in with outsiders, but it saddens us that we can't be more of who we are among outsiders.

I too need to take a break at times, even on the inside. I feel bad for disappearing every once in a while, but there are times when I have to rest. We're working on improving our ways of backing up each other when one of us needs to rest.

[A friend wrote: I am trying to stay away from playing therapist on the outside but its hard.]

I'm trying to stay away from playing therapist on the inside. :-) It's hard for me to be accepted by our others as a friend and loved one if I lean too much on knowledge, because doing so casts me as a kind of authority that I don't want to be.
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For the Helpers, Part 3
by Mary and Allegra, March 27, 2016 2:12 pm

We find it interesting to get to know members of other systems when the individual is older than the system's body age. What is it about being older than the body that benefits the system as a whole?

We have no one nearly as old as the body; our oldest member is 25. However, we believe that Drew, one of our bigs, has always been an adult, even when the body was a child. We don't think that she's ever acted as an authority within; instead, she's simply always been an "adult self" manifested to show maturity, self-possession, personal boundaries, and personal truth. She does tend to be a bit of a loner, but then, a number of others in our system are as well. Because Drew is an adult, we're trying to work on a way for her to participate more in system governance and operations without compromising herself as an individual.

We don't have a gatekeeper per se. We're fortunate in that we've rarely had incidents where someone who's usually inside came out and acted inappropriately. We do have a degree of tension coming from those who are close to the front but who restrain themselves from inappropriate behavior. These folks have trauma issues that we as a system are currently working on in depth, and it's not easy to simply place the issues on the back burner and go about our daily lives as if nothing is wrong. It's a challenge to balance these aspects of our lives.

In our system, no individual can prevent anyone from accessing memories or trauma. We have a collective "film bank" that's accessible to everyone. We believe that each of us has an inner wisdom that helps tell us if and when we're ready to face a particular memory.
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For the Helpers, Part 4
by Allegra, March 27, 2016 2:22 pm

[On "over-helping."]

I certainly understand being in this position. As a people person, it's tempting to me to want to get involved in everything. Our T has never told me directly that I get involved too much, although she does validate the beliefs of others in our system who believe that I do. She's not so much about telling us what to do as she is about balancing validation with encouragement and guidance.

I do argue with Laura often; it's part of our relationship, and while I'm not proud of some of my behavior in that context, I know that I need to accept all of who I am, not just the fun part of me, the encouraging part of me, the helpful and supportive part of me, or the mature part of me. As with any of us, I am all of me.
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How Are You Today? 3/28/16
by Charity, March 28, 2016 1:05 pm

How am I today? Angry. Overwhelmed by pain and wanting to stay there, hide there. Feeding the anger and hate so that it keeps me away from the world and keeps the world away from me.

Entangled in a mess of our respective feelings and feeding them to each other, dragging each other down with semi-conscious intent, so that none of us is left with the strength to pull up the rest.