by Charity
Allegra was angry. Allegra never gets angry.
Yesterday, as we spent yet another day in bed :-/ , I mentioned to her that I felt like I needed validation more than anything else--even safety.
I've spent nearly 30 years living with the fact that I put validation ahead of safety, a decision that ended up with us suffering the worst thing that ever happened in our life. Our T keeps telling us that I didn't choose to freeze instead of fight or flight, and it doesn't matter that I disagree with her. The bottom line is that I still chose to put us in that situation in the first place. My need for validation was so strong that I allowed us to seek the company of someone that anyone else, anyone with an ounce of common sense, would have realized was up to no good.
Yet I still crave validation more than anything else. That I made such an irresponsible decision doesn't change what I feel. And that's what made Allegra angry. She remained angry for the rest of the day. It wasn't until this morning that we agreed to accept each others' feelings, even if we didn't agree, and to remember that feelings aren't the same as actions. I won't put us in the kind of danger I put us in nearly 30 years ago.
This doesn't mean I won't stop craving validation. Dealing with these feelings is a process unto itself. And it would be a lot less traumatic a process if I had the support of the others with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment