by Charity
I'm not doing well today. I had very stressful dreams last night (this morning). Feeling helpless and vulnerable.
I didn't do so well yesterday either. We do not self-harm. But I've been stuck in this pit of helplessness. This is supposed to be our vacation week. We're supposed to get things done around the house. And relax. How can we do both? How can we do either? I know I'm the one holding us back, and I feel anger, shame, and sadness. :-(
I feel stuck. And I want to stay stuck. And heal. And have somebody else do it for me. And hide. So many contradicting feelings and desires. It makes me feel like I've lost my mind. Or did I ever have one?
It feels like I've been in a state of trauma ever since I can remember. Infancy. I've never not been sad. I've simply numbed myself to the feelings and forced myself to be this peaceful, saintly, content, nurturing, saccharine, invented person that I felt I had to be.
I can't do or be any of those things any more. That invented persona was the only constant in my life besides sadness and pain and hopelessness. I don't have that pretend safety any more. I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to help keep me from feeling like I'm going under.
Helpless. Hopeless. I don't feel strong enough to ask for help or do anything to make things better.
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