To Dump or Not to Dump?

by Laura

One of the worst things that we can do is fool ourselves into believing that things about ourselves, about our life, and about life in general are true when they aren't true.  I know that I'm guilty of this myself, but I'm not as guilty as some of the others inside.  And no, the others shall not remain nameless.  I'm carrying a full load of nasty at the moment, and Allegra is telling me (warning me?) not to let loose and direct my full-throttle anger where I think it should go. This leaves me with only one acceptable place to dump--here.

I should say first that none of us are big on exposing our innermost thoughts and feelings to the outside world. Or our history, or our personal weaknesses and failures. There's too much within our baggage telling us that we should be perfect, or flawless, or whatever bullsh*t concept is threatening at the moment to turn us into a bowl of Jell-O. It's defenses like this that turn me into who I am, doing what I do, or at least wanting to do what I desire to do in response.

Holding our anger inside is ruining our life.

This is why I'm a big believer in getting out feelings ASAP so that they don't sit fermenting inside and stinking up our subconscious, or worse, our consciousness.  Keeping our feelings inside all the time has turned our life into more than five decades of hell.  I'm exaggerating to make a point here, but sometimes you have to be blatantly obvious in order to make people stop and take notice.

But I digress.  I think I'm doing so because I don't want to incur the wrath of Allegra.  It takes a lot to p*ss her off, but I know that I'm capable of doing it, and I don't want to risk what's basically my only source of strength in this life.

There.  I said it.  And I'm still sitting here, and I haven't turned into that bowl of Jell-O.   Allegra can now rub my nose in the fact that I've managed to defuse the original source of my current anger by writing about other things.  She doesn't rub anyone's nose in anything, but to me it feels like she should.  It's what I would do.  Which leads me back to my remaining point that even if I didn't let loose with full-throttle anger now, it will come.  Maybe in a way that Allegra and the others will find acceptable, but it will come.  I guarantee it.