The Downside of Honesty

by Charity

Maybe we shouldn't have told our outside family about this blog.  If they read it, then they'll know how really depressed and hopeless I feel.  It's not like they're rushing to read it.  They don't even know the address for it.  They only know that it exists.  But I still feel like I have to hide the depth of my pain from everyone.

Yes, everyone.  People outside don't understand, and people inside have little tolerance for what I'm going through.  Mary tries, but there's only so much that she can do.  Our T tries.  But ultimately, I'm the one who has do do all the work, and so often I feel like giving up.

We stayed home from work today.  We started to feel the effects of a cold yesterday, and we were still worn out when we woke up this morning.  Since the forecast called for heavy rain all day today, we felt that it would only make things worse for our physical health if we went out.  We also cancelled this evening's appointment with our T.

Right now our temperature feels normal, and the scratchiness has disappeared from our throat.  We've gotten more than enough rest.  But emotionally I feel terrible.  Like I feel on most days, or on enough days to make it seem like most days.  Prevailing wisdom states that I won't make progress in my emotional healing until I want it enough, but this notion seems absurd.  It's not that I'm not progressing because I don't want it enough; it's because it's too hard.  Mary tells me that I should take smaller steps, but that's easy for her to say.  She's not the one trying to take them.