Struggling

by Unspecified Author

Really angry about having to go back to work after having a week off.  None of us like working, but we have to pay the bills.  We make good money after being with the same company for many years, and despite all the drawbacks, we don't want to lose our source of income.  We're not married, and we have no outside kids.  So it's up to us to save money for our old age.

It's ironic.  A fifty-something body filled with insiders 25 and under, worrying about old age.  Depressing. :-/

Dealing with our anger continues to be a challenge.  It's hard to find a middle ground between stuffing it and exploding.  It feels like no one outside understands, and that even if they're inclined to empathize, they'd not see us as exempt from any of the same stresses as the rest of the world.  In other words, "So what?  Everybody gets angry.  Deal with it."

And we deal with it, though not in the best way.  Staying in bed all day is not good for us, yet we do it, because our anger and our depression feel far greater than our ability to process things and take care of ourselves.  It's discouraging.  And mingled in with all of this is the lifelong feeling that if we're not perfect, we're unacceptable.  Add shame to the feelings, and it makes things feel even worse.

Right now, we're remembering how our previous T (now retired) used to ask us to sit with our difficult feelings.  We weren't big on doing that, and we still aren't.  We know that it's the right thing to do, but it's still difficult.  We also know that it helps to do something productive, no matter how small, but we don't want to do that either.  We have to fight the urge to give in to hopelessness.