The Speed of Healing

by Charity

I find myself here after a prompt of sorts by the others.  They've turned off the radio so that I won't be distracted while I write.  I'm not particularly interested in saying anything.  I've been inside most of the day while they listened to one baseball game after another.  I don't like sports.

Their point is that the more opportunities I have to speak, the more I can take advantage of opportunities to heal.  I get that.  But the last few years have been one long struggle with me pushing forward faster than I feel ready.  I feel like I shouldn't resent them or the rest of the world or whoever else I'm resenting, but I do.  It's how I feel.  I've spent too much time denying and avoiding how I feel.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.  Even under the best of circumstances I don't want to be in the world, and the prospect of another day of 90-degree weather makes the thought even more unappealing.

I'm not used to feeling cranky.  I don't know what to do with it.

One of the things I worry about is that if I accept all of who I am, I'll be so similar to some of the others in some ways that I won't be able to tell myself apart from some of the others.  We've always had issues with differentiation.  And there have been far too many times in hour history that we thought that Person X did or said something, or was the person who [name personality trait].  And it was somebody else.  We rationalize it later by saying that it was really Person Y "shadowing" Person X.

But we shouldn't have to rationalize these things.  We want clarity.  Yes, I understand that it takes time to get to know oneselves, and one's inner world.  But we don't like making mistakes, especially mistakes in judgment.  Mistakes in judgment have cost us dearly.

And that's all that I have to say.