Flashbacks

by Charity

When we woke up this morning, I was stuck in a flashback.  I didn't want to be there.  Who does?  Do they honestly think that I enjoy it?

Some of them think that I'm just using my fear as an excuse to avoid life.  Maybe I am.  But it's hard to leave the house when all I can feel is the eight-year-old deathly afraid that she's going to get beat up, or ridiculed, or pushed around, or....Nothing good ever comes from leaving the house.  :-(

I'm not the introject.  I don't know who the introject is.  Whoever it is, it's someone who's working very hard to keep us disempowered.  Not that I feel empowered.  I don't.  I usually feel competely powerless, and I don't trust myself, or my judgment.

We've gotten hurt very, very badly because of some bad, bad choices I made.  And I can't do anything to change that.  I can understand why some of the others don't respect me at all, because I don't respect myself.  I judge myself a lot more harshly than any of them do.  Maybe if I work on forgiving myself, it might help me to heal.  It's far easier said than done.