Freefalling

by Charity

I feel like I'm falling into an abyss.  Falling, falling.  I have nothing to hold on to, nothing to help me feel safe.

This happens whenever I dream.  Or most times that I dream.  People and situations disempowering me, although even at my best, I feel like I never had any power to begin with.  People, familiar and unfamiliar, invade our life, invade our privacy and our (apparently) safe space, and they take over our life.  Control us.  Is it any wonder that I spend so much time wishing that I didn't exist?

I don't feel like I can truly ever feel safe.  Mary asks me what it would take, but I don't want to think about it.  If I thought about it, I would think about how impossible it seems to accomplish.

I just want to not be.

But this is not an option.  I know that the harmful actions of one harm everyone.  We do not self-harm.  Unless you count my eating too much, or not eating enough, or sleeping too much, or not sleeping enough, or obsessive eyebrow tweezing....I feel defective; I feel like a freak, I feel....I don't want to feel anything, and I don't want to be.

But I am, and I do, and I remain inside this bottomless pit, unable to climb out and not wanting to climb out, because even all this incessant pain and misery is something to hold on to, even as miserable as it is.