Honor?

by Mary and Allegra

[To a friend who commented on the value of honoring the sacrifice made by traumatized insiders:]

We've never thought of holding trauma as a matter of honor. In fact, while stating that we empathize, we clearly know that we would not trade places with the traumatized ones. We're not being callous by saying so; we're being honest. And honesty is something we expect of each other, whether we're traumatized or not.

We've had a recurring conversation within our own system:

- Non-traumatized person "A" states that she hears and validates the experiences and feelings of traumatized person "B."
- "B" states (or implies in a very obvious manner), "Well, if you really empathized, you'd take on a fair share of the pain."
- "A" replies, "No, I won't lie to you. I don't seek out pain. I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't agree with your choice to perpetuate it. Taking on a part of the pain may seem fair, but there's nothing fair about anybody being in pain. None of us is that noble. None of us is that selfless. Instead of taking on pain and perpetuating pain, we need to do things that help us heal."

We respect your right to your point of view. But for our system, there are times when toughlove is more appropriate for our individual and collective healing.