by Allegra
How Are You Today?, 8/4/15
by Laura, August 4, 2015 11:12 am
Going f*cking crazy. Anyone wanna join me?
Why is it that when one person inside has bad dreams, it ruins our whole f*cking day?
[later]
Charity is usually the one who dreams, and usually about stuff from many years ago that she hasn't fully resolved.
Usually either she or I are the one who wakes up in the morning. Mostly me, but it was her today. She was upset about the dream and started plummeting into a sinkhole of self-pity, but I ended up out by the time we got to work. And when her feelings leak in my direction, I usually end up p*ssed off. I don't need this sh*t, and neither does the rest of the system.
This heat and humidity really sucks.
__________
Feelings, 8/10/15
by Charity, August 10, 2015, 2:53 pm
An online friend wrote:
…this emotion for my mother truly has no words. I can't describe it accurately as hatred, anger, or rage, just something purely dark and negative. I'm disturbed that it's in me down there.
Yes. The specifics are different for us, but I do relate. :/
__________
Feelings, 8/11/15
by Charity, August 11, 2015, 12:50 pm
The same online friend was saying that feeling numb just feels so safe and familiar. Yes, I said. Familiar. I'd like to think that it also feels safe, but I've learned all too well that absolute safety is an illusion. I need to stop seeing the world in terms of black-and-white extremes. :-/
__________
Feelings, 8/18/15
by Charity, Aug 18, 2015, 4:10 pm
I struggle with low self-value all the time. And I extrapolate it to the degree of seeing my value as....well, extremely negative. So much of what we've all been through is because of what I've done or haven't done, and who I am, in the negative sense. I don't want our whole system to be predicated so much on me and on my issues. I wish that somebody else inside could meet all the needs I have that have never been met, so that I wouldn't feel like I have to be that person to everyone else inside.
__________
How Are You Today?, 8/26/15
by Laura, August 26, 2015, 10:40 am
The outside world is driving me f*cking crazy.
The inside world is driving me f*cking crazy.
Hormones are driving me f*cking crazy. Isn't menopause supposed to cure that?
Anybody got a hole that I can crawl into?
__________
How Are You Today?, 8/27/15
by Laura, August 27, 2015, 5:26 pm
Hormones have quieted down, but Allegra is "energized" by being annoyingly productive at work.
F*ck that. Nobody who's 17 should feel "energized" or "productive." It's something in the adolescent by-laws. And I don't want to kick her out of the club. I need someone to b*tch at.
__________
Fill In the Blanks
by Laura and Allegra, August 30, 2015, 1:35 am
An online acquaintance used the term “blanks” to describe insiders that have no name, functionality, voice, habits, memories, thoughts—insiders whose only purpose is to remain blank until they need to be filled up and become functioning parts of the system. "But from what I understand," this acquaintance said, "this shouldn't even be something that CAN happen."
Our response:
There are very few "shoulds" regarding multiple systems. Each system forms in whatever way it needs to form. Our experience is that system members become known when they are ready to be known and when the system as a whole is ready to deal with it.
From what we understand your use of the term "blank" to describe certain members of your system, you're unable to discern anything about them except that they're there, and approximately how many of them there are. Is this correct?
If that's the case, we've experienced this. We have a 16.5-year-old girl named Nia who first appeared to us as a genderless figure covered from head to toe in blue fabric, a shade of blue similar to the forum tabs here at the top of the boards. The blue figure was somewhat reminiscent of the figures in the Mummenschanz theater troupe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mummenschanz), and it also made us think of "screen beans" clip art.
Eventually we began to discern characteristics of this insider, first that she was female, and then that she was an older teen. Then the vision of her covered from head to to in this fabric changed to her being covered in a dress and headcovering of this color. The outfit was in the style of a Muslim woman's headscarf and traditional dress, except that she definitely wasn't Muslim, or of a Jewish woman from the time of the Christian Gospels. But she wasn't Christian either. She turned out to be Pagan, and she speaks only empathically, rather than verbally.
She lives alone in a cabin in the woods in one corner of our internal landscape, and she is virtually never active at the conscious level.
__________
Internal Communication—Or Not
by Laura and Allegra, August 30, 2015, 9:00 pm
[To an online friend:]
We hear your frustration regarding challenges in communicating with your others. Our communication challenge is not as pronounced, but it definitely exists.
None of us can see each other. We know who everyone is and what each person looks like, but we never actually see each other in "real time." When we interact, we can only hear each other, as if we were in a completely darkened room.
We can only access the film of the landscape if we make deliberate effort to do so. And as we've progressed in our healing, accessing our internal world takes more and more effort. This is a big issue for us.
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