Phases of Co-Consciousness

by Mary and Allegra

[A friend of ours recently brought up the topic of co-consciousness and the challenges of developing it within the system.  Here's how we responded.]

Our experience is that co-consciousness is a process. In its earliest stages, it involved meeting and identifying each other. People introduced themselves in pairs or groups over the first seven years or so after we realized that we were multiple. alyssa (age five) was the first. Nia (age 16 1/2) was the last.

The funny thing is that we didn't realize we'd met everyone until about two years after the final ones appeared. Kecia (age 10 1/2 to 11, one of the final group to appear) blurted out one evening, "We've found everyone there is."

Older ones: Why didn't you tell us before?!?
Kecia: I didn't know until I said it!

The next phase (phases may overlap) involves getting to know each other past the initial distinguishing identifiers. We might first say, "nell is three, she has curly red hair, she loves dalmatians, and she spends her time in a meadow of flowers." Those are the distinguishing identifiers.  Later we learn that she has strong spiritual beliefs (Chr.) and find out how she practices them.  We also learn who else in our system she spends the most time with and where, how often she's likely to come out (not much), and under what circumstances. These are "phase two" pieces of information.

Then there's phase three, when most or all illusions are shattered about a system member and we come to terms with who this person really is. In nell's case it was fairly simple and didn't take long. We realized that since she's only three, has little or no trauma history, and lives a simple life away from the front, she's not very likely to develop or grow beyond who she is.

Why is this stage so momentous? It's because of the impact of the knowledge involved. Charity would like it if everyone had the opportunity to thrive and blossom like so many tall trees, but this is not realistic. nell will probably not grow, because she has no need or reason to grow. Charity isn't happy whenever some part of her original vision disintegrates, but learning the truth and using this knowledge for the best are necessary to our well-being, healing, and growth.

The other thing that you mentioned that we identify with is the blurring. If we understand you correctly, you're referring to difficulty distinguishing who's who in a particular situation. This happens to us often. Part of the reason is that while we know what everyone looks like, we never see each other. We have to guess who's around by paying attention to word choices, tone of voice, projected feelings, and other such signs.

It can be very frustrating, especially when it involves one person's feelings leaking or dumping onto someone else. One sign of progress is that this leaking and dumping happens far less than it used to happen. The key to this is that the person who felt the feelings tied to a particular trauma has to reclaim those feelings from whoever else is carrying them. We have to own our own feelings and our own experiences, and we're slowly learning to do so.