My Own Worst Enemy?

by Laura

Allegra says I should post here. Otherwise I'll keep stuffing the feelings until I blow a f*cking gasket. Well, she didn't say "f*cking," but you know what I mean.

I know how I feel and I know why I feel it. I know what I want and I know why I want it. Doing the psycho-emotionally "healthy" thing would be too easy; life isn't The Brady Bunch. Just because someone knows the "healthy" thing to do doesn't mean that they can snap their fingers and do it.

Right now I want to tell the world to take a flying leap.

Bottom line for the cause of my p*ssiness is that shawn, and perhaps some of the other Babysitters, would like to be out more.  I can understand this.  But what I believe that for our own safety, we have to show outsiders a defensive front--pushing people away, or at least appearing streetwise enough not to be victimized.

There are two kinds of people in our system:  Those who are streetwise and those who aren't.  Charity is the Queen of Naive.  Or was.  Even if disillusioned, she's so emotionally needy that I believe that she can't help but project it.  I won't let her neediness put us in danger--not even remotely possible danger, not even for a moment.

The Babysitters are what you'd call "Friends of Charity"--not needy in the same way, but of the same empathetic, other-valuing mindset, which to me represents potential for the same kind of dangerous consequences.  Besides, if The Babysitters came out, who would stay inside and watch the kids, keep them safe and separated from all the surface crap that we've been dealing with for so long?  We have six Babysitters because we need all six to do what they've been doing.  Not. Safe. To. Let. Guard. Down.