by Laura
A friend on a forum used the word "frustration" to describe what I seem to be feeling. "Frustration is a good word," I responded. And on another forum, someone asked if there were safe situations where the
others could possibly come out. I said that maybe there are, but it
feels like we have to always be on guard around other people.
So Allegra's saying that we could start by letting these insiders come
out when we're alone. Where am I supposed to go while they're around? I
have no interest in being around them, and I can't easily go inside.
I'm so conditioned to believing that I have to be out that I just
can't disappear.
Catch-22. My feelings are my feelings, and I don't want to feel like
these feelings are being invalidated. I'm not saying that anyone in particular
is doing this, but I'm tired of being the one that has to give in, that
has to change. It's somebody else's turn.
__________
Elsewhere still, somebody said that I seemed to want to project a strong frontal image for our system. I don't want to, but I feel that I need to. I have a strong
"radar" for what's going on around me, much to my chagrin. I get
others' emotions leaking onto me, and I feel overburdened by the
collective sense of danger and the cumulative trauma history of our
system.
Even if I wasn't the one who experienced a specific trauma or felt a
particular feeling, I seem to have it all dumped into my lap. Have you
ever seen the episode of "I Love Lucy" where she and Ethel go to work in
a chocolate factory? They can't handle the pace of it. And the
supervisor comes in and calls out, "Speeeeeeeeeed it up!" :-/
Are you feeling oppressed by the others in your system?
Not oppressed by them. Oppressed by the burden of (co)fronting for
nearly 18 years. Our bigs should be fronting; that's why they're bigs.
But most of them aren't as strong as Allegra and I are. It's a vicious
cycle. We front because they supposedly can't, and they never learn to
front because we're doing it for them.
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