Struggling Again

 by Charity

I have been having a very difficult time again lately. We are safe, but dark thoughts plague me constantly. I am out and fronting more than I have done in decades. Allegra and a few others are helping with day-to-day things in the background, but I am alone. Mary is still absent, and without her I feel very alone and vulnerable.

I had some very bad days during our recent vacation. I slept far too much. I find nothing enjoyable or hopeful in life. I hang on so as not to hurt our family, but my pain is immense and ongoing. All of the unresolved feelings from a lifetime of trauma keep me stuck in the emotional perspective of a child, and I can't work through the pain. I see it as hopeless and don't want to bother.

I don't like that we live alone and have no relationship. The others prefer it. We don't have anything to give a relationship, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone. But the loneliness is crushing. When our brother and his family were visiting, we all spent a few hours together, and this felt safe. Yet the part of me who experienced those few hours from the perspective of a needy child was devastated when they all left to go home again. Again we were all alone. And again we spent the whole day in bed.

Our T is there for us. She makes room for extra sessions when needed. But the healing process is agonizingly slow and painful, and I just want all the pain to end.