Staycation, 10/6/16

By Charity

One of the takeaways from yesterday's T session was that the basis for what's been crippling me is an overwhelming amount of anger. Throughout our life, I've been afraid of anger and have defaulted to sadness instead. Anger has been the realm of Rachel and several others, all of whom are doing their own work in parallel to my work.

Our T said that it's good that I'm letting myself feel anger. I still don't like it, but I'm letting myself feel it. At the same time, Rachel is less prone to walk around like a coiled spring.

(From Allegra: For anyone old enough to remember the 1960's TV show Laugh-In, there was a recurring sketch in which people would pop out of little window shutters in a wall to deliver one-liners. When Rachel pops out, it's like she's one of those people.)

So today, with Mary's help, I was able to get out of bed before most of the day went by. I told her that I didn't want to slip back into that place that I was in earlier in the week. Dealing with reality, with the world around me, with "adulting"....I feel like the three-and-a-half-year-old who was terrified of going to nursery school but said nothing because she had no way of conceptualizing, let alone expressing, the terror that she was feeling.

Back then we did what we had to do--penny and abby and brooke and whoever else lived through that time with me. And today, we did what we had to do, Mary and I.
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Brother number one called this afternoon to update us with his plans for him, our SIL, and our two teenage nieces to come to the area and visit this weekend. They live four hours away. All of us, plus brother number 2, are going to meet at our/MDs house and then go out to dinner. B1 knows we're multiple and reads our blog when we ask him to do so. B2 is mildly disabled, knows that "there are a bunch of people inside my head," but has no real idea of what it entails.

We told B1 that we had been thinking of calling him on Monday evening, while we were in the throes of our misery, but we had decided not to call. He said that we could have. We knew this was true, but we didn't feel like bothering. It had been difficult enough getting up and eating dinner.
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Getting back to yesterday's T session....As for my anger, she said it would be a good idea for me to get it out of myself, such as by writing, to prevent it from being stuffed back in and leading to depression again. So I'm writing. I can't extract anger on command, but at least I can talk about what I'm going through. And we have a Skype session planned for early Saturday afternoon. I hope that I can stay grounded until then. :-/