Feelings, and Feelings About Feelings

by Charity

I might as well trigger-warn this whole post. 

Someone we know brought up a forum topic about being unable to feel emotions, while at the same time other system members felt them strongly.  Do other people have experiences like this?

In our experience, yes. The feelings have to go somewhere, to someone(s).

During our life, there have been so many emotions that I couldn't hold, emotions that I off-loaded to others in our system while I convinced myself that I was this peaceful, content, nurturing, saintly person who took care of all the others, particularly the children. This illusion has come crashing down, particularly during the past few years, as others have returned the feelings where they belong--to me.

It's terrifying and overwhelming. I don't want to deal with of this. I don't want to face the truth of what our life has been and about who I am. I don't want to grow up when I never had a chance to be young. I never had a chance to receive all those things that I convinced myself that I was here to provide to others. It's a mess. It's me turning into my own version of our mother. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be who I am either. I often just don't want to be, but I continue, if only because the others with me deserve a chance.