by Charity
(Posted today on Mosaic Minds.)
....it's just overload. What seems like an eternity of living in
flashback mode, continually being bombarded by a lifetime of unresolved
emotions from the past. It's a consequence of all the work that we've
been doing in T. At some point we unearth the root of it all, and the
root is ugly. And very difficult to process.
We spoke with our T on the phone for about 15 minutes this morning. She
was home on a break from hospital visits, but she was expecting family
to arrive at the house shortly and needed to make sure that the phone
call and the visitors wouldn't overlap. So she said that she would call
us back later this afternoon.
It's hard to believe that we're not imposing, that we're not a burden.
But she was very firm in stating that we aren't, and that we can call
her at any time if we need to. Even if she isn't able to talk at
length. The insistent tone of her voice was enough to convince me, but
it's hard not to be overwhelmed by old messages.
We tell her we just want to come to terms with our past and accept it so
that we can heal. She says that we don't have to accept the
unacceptable, but we do need to stay grounded so that our past doesn't
prevent us from functioning in the present. I have mixed feelings about
this.
Staying grounded is the most difficult thing. I want to run and hide
and never come out again. I want to not be overwhelmed by the pain all
the time. I want to not be neck-deep in anger, but somehow it feels
like the anger is the only thing that can protect me.
But I will try. Right now I try only because our T says that I need to try.
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