Feeling Disconnected

by Charity

I'm feeling disconnected today.  And somewhat chaotic.  I want to hide in that realm of disconnect, as if I were under the blankets or under a rock, or in a hole in the ground.  I hear a very young child crying, and I'm not sure if it's me or one of the little ones inside.  One of The Babysitters is comforting her, so it must be the latter.  I can't help feeling that my desire to hide is causing all of this.  :-/

It's a holiday weekend.  We've done what we need to do so far, except for laundry.  Lots of laundry.  It's a major endeavor to take four or five bags to the laundromat, and any major endeavor requires grounding and remaining grounded.  The very thought of this, no doubt, is making me want to hide.

Pathetic, a voice tells me.  Not the voice of one of our others, but an old tape.  We don't recall anyone ever calling us that, but we have a lifetime of memories of feeling this way.

Mary and I have been talking about other kids of disconnect as well.  In order to function rationally, she and Allegra remain disconnected from their feelings.  It feels unfair to those of us who have difficulty managing our emotions.

I know that life isn't fair, but there needs to be some balance.  Those of us with unmanageable feelings need to learn how to manage them, and those who remain disconnected from feelings need to connect with theirs in a healthy way.  Mary and Allegra each acknowledge this, but it's hard to believe that anyone would truly want to take on more feelings, especially after seeing how unmanageable feelings can be.