Slow Progress

by Charity

It's been nine days since any of us posted.  We feel guilty when we don't or can't post, and when we remind ourselves that there's no need to feel guilty, we feel guilty for feeling guilty. :-/

We had another heat wave last week, so we didn't turn on our computer at home.  Things are too busy at work to even try writing there.  The only reason I'm writing from work now is that our T appointment is postponed until tomorrow.  I'm disappointed, but I have to learn to deal with it.

Last night we finally were able to give a brief update to our friends on Mosaic Minds:

I have slowly but surely been making progress with my T. Even I recognize this. I still have difficult moments (and days), but I know that things are getting better.

Hm.  That was briefer than I thought.  :-/

One thing that I have been wanting to note from last week's T session was something I said to her then.  I said that virtually every childhood memory I have of being with other people is negative.  I had never thought of it in those terms, but it's true.  The only peace, if you could call it that, that I had was when I was alone.

I've also realized that I don't feel safe with feelings.  Feeling them, I mean.  It's strange to me, because I've always lived life centered around my feelings and the feelings of others.  I've always believed that feelings trump everything, that nothing else in life matters more.  I wanted to feel to extreme, drown in feelings the way people drown in any experience of ecstasy.  But I never realized how unsafe feelings really are to me.

Another illusion shattered.  I wonder if I will have anything left.  :-(