Deborah (TW Flashbacks, Body Memories, Eating Issues)

by Allegra

Our bigs are each/all in a self-isolating stalemate with the clear instruction that none of us under 18 are to take responsibility for the system as a whole.  Sorry, but I just can't sit by and allow our system to sink into a pit of constant flashbacks and days lost spent in bed.

Not too long ago, Charity told our T that Deborah had had a flashback of at least two pairs of hands repeatedly grabbing her at various bodily locations, almost as if kneading a pile of bread dough.  This was not the famous incident when four camp counselors each grabbed us by a limb in the swimming pool when we were eight and a half, trying to force us underwater.  Not only did we steadfastly refuse to participate in swimming lessons for the rest of the summer, but we resolved never to try to learn to swim during the rest of our life.

This was a different flashback, one that we had never had before and haven't had since.  Judging by the view from our internal "film bank," Deborah experienced this flashback as happening to her as a pre-schooler, possibly on a medical exam table or, God forbid, on a changing table.

For weeks, Deborah has been behind repeated panic eating during the night, in an attempt to literally stuff the flashbacks and associated feelings back into our body.  It hasn't reached the level of self-harm, but it certainly isn't doing us any good.  At 5'2" and a healthy body weight of 120 lbs., this repeated panic eating and emotional eating has pushed our everyday weight over 125, and over 129 if we have repeated episodes.

Now some people may think, "What's another five pounds or so?"  Well, our clothes don't fit, we feel sluggish, and other areas of our health become affected.  If we allow this behavior to remain unchecked, we could easily go 10 percent above our ideal weight, and that is Not A Good Thing.

Today's episode of hunkering down under the blankets in fear, at least until we decided to get up and watch baseball on TV, involved both dreams and flashbacks.  The dreams of traveling by foot, when dreamed by Charity and a couple of others, usually involve running or walking away from something or someone.  In Deborah's dream, we were trying to walk home, although it wasn't clear where home was, and despite how far we walked, we really didn't move anywhere.  As for the flashbacks, they were all from the perspective of somebody under the age of 12 or so.  Before we moved house at age 13.  Whereas Charity's flashbacks have been to adolescence and young adulthood.

We have our regular visit to Brother number 2 tomorrow morning.  And another seder in the afternoon.  And we have to get to the point where we can prepare ourselves to return to work on Monday and function reasonably well.  With the current state of our system, I don't know how we're going to manage.  :-/

Edit, 3:59 am:  I forgot to mention the body memories we've been having all night--sensations in our right groin.  They won't stop.  It's a good thing that I'm out now, because I'm not triggered.  But I am concerned.