by Charity
I reached out to people in various places online. One person said that perhaps I was spending too much time in my own head, and might benefit from getting out of the house. I agreed, but it took a great deal of effort to get myself to the point where I felt grounded enough to run errands. Not fully grounded, but grounded enough.
As we got out of our car in the supermarket parking lot, I looked around the shopping center and thought, "Things seem so normal around here. The world is acting as if I haven't gone through any struggle at all."
Of course, I know that the world is a lot bigger than my struggle, but when I'm in the pit of despair, what I experience at that moment is all there is for me. It's hard for me to reconcile the innate dichotomy between subjective experience and meta-reality.
We dropped an item off at the clothing drop, and we bought vitamins at CVS and a sandwich at the convenience store. And we bought three days' worth of groceries. We need to do laundry, but we have enough to get through the week. Mary reminds me that it's good for me to give myself credit for what I accomplish, even if it doesn't seem or feel like I've accomplished much.
And now I'm afraid that one of two things will happen now that I've said that I'm doing better. Either (1) people will stop participating in the conversation with me, and I'll feel isolated again, or (2) people will continue talking with me and I'll either (a) not know what else to say, or (b) feel too tired or unable to continue. It may seem like I'm being overly dramatic, but it's how I feel, and I need to honor those feelings.
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