by Charity
A friend of ours responded to my recent post about safety and stability. She asked whether I could challenge our refusal to swim, and I wasn't sure whether she meant literally or figuratively. I assumed the former. There's a loud NO! from nearly everyone regarding actual swimming, but I do want to work on the miserable feelings.
It feels like I'm triggered all the time. I got triggered today when we thought our brother's portable hard drive wasn't working with his computer, even though it had worked as recently as a week ago. This happened once before with another drive, and we lost all the files. I was afraid that this was happening again.
We took this drive to our house and plugged it into our computer, and the drive worked fine. We made sure to upload all the files to a cloud storage account that we created for our brother. We still don't know why the drive wouldn't work with his computer.
But I'm still triggered. Not as badly as before, but still triggered. I have trouble grounding, because I feel a loss of control when I change from one state (triggered) to another state (grounded). It's the same fear I feel when leaving the house and having to travel from Point A to Point B. The transition. Transition of any kind scares be because when it's happening, it has no beginning and no end.
I feel much safer in complete stasis. Yet the stasis of sleep, for example, isn't safe either, because I dream, and I have no control then either. Stasis while awake, such as quiet contemplation, usually brings out difficult feelings, and this triggers me as well. Sometimes I talk with Mary or one of the others inside, but we often end up going around in circles, because I see their desire to help me heal as invalidating my right to feel as I feel now, however painful those feelings are.
Everything I deal with ends up as a conflict between two opposing feelings/desires. It feels like I can't win. :(
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