by Charity
I am the system member in question. I feel hopeless and powerless and angry. And I want to hold onto the painful feelings because I don't know how to live without them.
I feel invalidated even when others reach out with the best of intentions. I need to have what I know to feel safety, or at least stability, no matter how miserable the familiar is. When we were a child, I refused to learn how to swim because doing so meant letting go and trusting myself in the water. And to me, life is like the water. Without anything to hold onto, I will drown.
Hope has become a mere fantasy, and my living in a fantasy world has brought us nothing but disappointment and pain.
I know that I've made great strides. But all of this progress has robbed me of the only safety that I've ever felt, which was our inner world and my naive, idealistic vision of life.
Now all I have is reality, which for me feels nothing but miserable. I have nothing to old onto. I feel powerless and helpless and alone, and I can't even find validation on the inside.
The others try, but it feels like they're making things worse. I don't know what validation would feel like, but part of me wishes that they would just agree with me about how miserable and hopeless life is. But they won't do this, and I get angrier because it feels like they're rejecting my feelings, my reality, and me as a person. It's an awful, vicious cycle.
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