by Charity
I've been inside for a few days. I think that some of the others preferred it that way. I know that they felt calmer and more relaxed without me around.
I didn't choose to hurt. I didn't choose to have things happen to me, or to let things happen to all of us. I know that there are times that I say that I deserve all the hurt, but it's not my fault, and I'm tired of being blamed.
Feelings aren't that simple. I can say all sorts of self-defeating things, but it doesn't mean that deep down I believe them or want the misery to continue. It feels so overwhelming that I can't see it not continuing, and I feel powerless. And I feel afraid of change, of letting go of the familiar, even if the familiar is prolonging my pain and misery.
We're home on vacation this week, and there's a heat wave that's supposed to last just about the whole time. Our air conditioner is only four years old, but already it's overtaxed. It wasn't meant to be running 24/7. But with the heat as bad as it it's been for as long as it's been, we have little choice but to keep it running. The heat wave plus menopause plus everything else we're dealing with makes for a very unrestful vacation.
We'd appreciate all the good thoughts that people can send us.
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