by Bigs and Teens
[Posted on reddit.com/r/did .]
Before we answer the questions, some basic information about our system and about the terminology that we will use when responding:
We are female-bodied, age 56 at the time of this post. Our system does not have a host or an original. We have 17 littles age seven and younger; nine middles/tweens ages eight through 11; 14 teens ages 12-17-plus; and five bigs ages 18-plus. We also have two non-corporeal beings that function as a yin/yang tamdem. Our oldest system member is 25, and generally no one inside ages.
We are not in a relationship and have no outside children.
Terminology: We will not be using the terms “DID,” “disorder,” “alter,” or “host.” We are multiple, and being multiple is the way that we learned to cope with early trauma and stay alive. Everyone in our system is of equal value, and none is more or less real than any other. We do not pass judgment on other people’s use of these terms, but it’s very important to us to use our preferred terms when describing our own system.
1. When did you first learn or suspect that you were multiple?
At about age 10 we realized that we had the ability to “faze out” (dissociate). We saw it as something that others would disapprove of if they knew that we avoided being fully present at times.
In college we felt as if we were “different people in different situations,” but we didn’t know why. We realized in 1996, when the body was 34, that we were multiple.
2. Have you been diagnosed by a professional? What was that process like?
We have never been formally diagnosed. We had no need to have someone else tell us what we already knew. However, it took us two and a half years after our self-diagnosis before we found a suitable therapist.
3. How do you feel about the fact that you are multiple?
It’s who we are. While some multiples may not wish to define themselves or their lives in terms of their multiplicity, we do. It’s fundamental to our sense of self/ves.
4. How many system members do you have? Are you comfortable describing them or any of their traits? How are they different from you?
There are 47 members in our system.
As for the second and third parts of this question, we first need to define “you.” This presumes the existence of a host or “main person,” which is not how our system operates. It would be more useful for us to state how we view each other, which is the same way that we’d view a group of outside people.
5. Describe your relationship with your system members.
We see ourselves as a family. We feel love, hate, and everything in between, depending on the individuals involved.
6. What does it feel like to switch to another system member?
We have two different analogies that we use. One is that it’s like one person steps away from the microphone and another steps up. Another is that we function like a pair of TV news anchors: “And now, over to you.” There are almost always two of us fronting at once.
7. Do you always change clothes/hair/makeup/hats when you switch?
Never. That’s a media stereotype. The vast majority of multiples we know put all the energy they can into appearing consistent to the outside world. Balancing individuals’ self-expression requires compromise and is predicated on maintaining overall consistency.
8. Do you have any abilities or skills that your system members don’t, or vice versa?
There’s no dramatic difference in skill or ability levels, but individuals may do better at certain things because of greater interest.
9. Do different system members have different physical conditions or traits (for example, different eyesight, allergies or hand preference)?
We assume that this question refers to the physical body, and not to our individual appearances on the inside. If this is the case, the answer is no.
10. How frequently do you experience gaps in your memory? What is that like? How do you cope with it on a daily basis?
We don’t have noticeable memory gaps. Our collective memory functions as an internal film library that any of us can access at any time, unless it’s not safe to do so.
11. How do you communicate with your system members?
We talk to each other the same way that we talk to outside people, although we don’t talk to each other out loud unless we’re alone. There are a number of us who are nonverbal, and they communicate with their emotions. A few of us are very sensitive to the feelings of others, for better or for worse.
12. Do your system members have different relationships, i.e. friendships or romantic partners? If you’re married or in a relationship, how do your system members feel about your SO?
No. When the body was 10, we made a conscious decision to not get married or have children. Since becoming aware of our system, we’ve expanded this decision to include not engaging in intimate relationships at all. We have never had a consensual intimate relationship.
13. Are you co-conscious with any/all of your system members? What does co-consciousness feel like?
Our definition of co-consciousness has evolved through the years. At the same time, the level of barriers among us has fluctuated. We identified everyone in the system by 2003, seven years after self-diagnosis.
However, there are widely varying degrees to which individuals interact with each other. The farther away that an individual is from the front, the more aware the individual is. It’s a lot more difficult for those at the front to be aware of what’s going on deep inside.
14. Are you aware of an internal world or inside space, and are you comfortable sharing anything about it?
Our internal world is a country estate on about a square mile of land.
15. Have you told friends/family about your diagnosis? Why or why not?
Our parents and siblings were not abusers. We told both parents and both brothers, as well as our sister-in-law (wife of brother number one). We’ve told very, very few friends.
16. What do you wish everyone who isn’t multiple knew or understood better about you?
We’d rather see better understanding about multiples in general than about us specifically.
17. What is the worst or most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you as the result of a system member’s actions?
Many years ago at work, a co-worker was commended at an assembly. One of our littles cheered out loud, “Yay, [name]!”
18. Describe a time when one of your system members saved your ass.
Allegra is the one who keeps everything together and enables us manage our daily life. No specific incident, just a general ability to do well in the outside world.
19. Has a system member ever done something illegal or immoral?
No.
20. Have you experienced bullying, discrimination or stigma because of your being multiple?
Not for being multiple, but for a variety of other reasons.
21. Does being multiple interfere with your ability to have a family, a career, or to achieve the kind of life you want?
No; we are hampered more by depression, anxiety, and cPTSD, which we consider our true “disorders.”
22. What are your biggest challenges living with being multiple?
Having to hide who we really are.
23. What are some of the positives that have come out of being multiple?
We’re never alone. Although, at times, this could be seen as a negative. :-P
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