A Little Context, or, About Sundays

by Charity

[In response to a thread on a private forum for multiples and their supporters.]

[W]e have a problem with Sundays lately.  We have no obligations for Sunday and end up sleeping in, and we get stuck in a vortex of reliving depressing feelings from the past.  It's hard to break that loop.

Currently we're struggling with a feeling of being made a target for the bad feelings of other people around us.  Mainly this has happened in the past with our peers, not with authority figures.  I have never believed in fighting, or in fighting back.  I'm a pacifist.  So this has made me a target, and it's cause a lot of resentment toward me from others inside.
__________

For the first several years with our current therapist, I remained in the background while Laura and Allegra did most of the talking.  They had been doing the vast majority of the daily-life activities since 1997 or 1998.

[Allegra:  For context -
We first discovered our system in the spring of 1996.
We saw our previous T from fall 1998 to spring 2004, when she retired; we began seeing our current T immediately thereafter.
We worked through issues with meds between 2005 and 2009.
Charity finally began to take over in the T sessions somewhere between 2009 and 2014 (we can't remember).]

Returning to the outerworld hasn't been something I've wanted. I would rather bury my head in the sand.  But I don't like people to suffer, and I didn't want our others to continue to resent me for not functioning like an adult.  I am the oldest in our system and have always believed that being the oldest is a responsibility.  We were also the oldest in our outside family, but we never had any extra responsibilities or privileges because of it.  Nevertheless, it's just something that I believe in.  I could go on, but that would require a whole series of separate posts.

While the resentment from some of the others has drastically decreased as my outerworld activity has increased, some of that resentment is still there on a more subtle level.  And its damage has been done, just as the damage has been done by my earlier absence.

The four other adults in our system have varying amounts of their own work to do on their individual healing. It's hard not to see the current situation of them and the universe paying me back for all the difficulty that I've caused in the past.  I've made a few very, very big mistakes.  But my inadequacies as a person are no greater that their inadequacies.  I've never been able to see this, let alone say it.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration to continue sorting through these things.