Updates From Holiday Weekend, 1/19

by Charity

We had off from work for the Martin Luther King holiday.  We had planned to shred some more old receipts so that we could finally take all ten bags of shreddings to the recycling drop-off, but we never got to it. 

We did make good on our promise to accompany brother number 2 to the cell-phone store to have his plan reviewed for unneccessary charges. We came out of the store with a migraine that lasted at least a day.  :-/  The good news is that Allegra was able to prepare dinner while feeling the pain of the migraine.  I say this not to make preparing dinner seam like a big deal, or to give the impression that I favor any of us feeling pain.  But Allegra has a history of not being in touch personally with physical pain, so this is a step forward for her.

Meanwhile, I've been struggling with coming to terms with the fact that our parents' shortcomings did not make them any more imperfect than most other parents.  I/we have always seen authority figures (all outside people) as all-knowing and all-powerful, and this is at the root of our holding our parents to such high standards.  But no human being is all-knowing or all-powerful, even if some claim to be ("Mother is always right") or otherwise give this impression, deliberately or otherwise.  Deities can be perfect, but people aren't.  It's taken me a lifetime to understand and accept this.

This doesn't mean that living with the truth is easy.  The child me, and any young child, starts out seeing the caregiver as all-powerful.  I think that sometimes children are let down as they grow older and see that their caregivers aren't superhuman.  But maybe this knowledge is a relief on some level, since it shows that (at least in most circumstances) the parent isn't aware of the child's every move, so the child feels safe enough to keep secrets from the parent, for better or for worse.

Letting go of outdated beliefs is very hard.  My beliefs, healthy or not, form the basis for consistency and safety, an internal "home base" and life preserver of sorts.  Fear of letting go keeps me from moving forward.  And I believe fear is at the core of all of my pain.

Sunday we slept until 11:30am, but this was okay, because we were sleep-deprived throughout the previous week, mainly because of my fear of going to bed and my staying on the couch halfway through the night.  I know that this is a behavior that I need to change.  I'm trying.  At least I didn't stay in bed all day Sunday.  Nor did I resist getting out of bed when we felt rested enough.

By Monday evening I was still wrestling with the issue of our parents non-omniscience, and shawn came out to keep me company.  She's been with me since then.  It may be that the nature of our relationship (very close, but in a different way from my relationship with Mary) made it most appropriate for shawn to be present.  Maybe the purpose of this is to teach me that I can act as a healthy adult in interactions with our younger ones.  I don't know. 

I do know that I don't want to any of the younger ones to feel obligated to help me or any other adult inside.  Our system's prime directive is that the welfare of the children and teens comes first.  And the directive's "fine print" states that no minors shall be put in a position of responsibility for older ones or for the system as a whole.  I've failed the "fine print" miserably over the years.  :-/

But shawn pointed out that first of all, she's 16, not five or nine, and that age-appropriate helping is not only okay, but necessary to a young person's well-being.  As long as the young person doesn't end up feeling responsible for the adult.  Also, shawn was eager to test her creative skills at work.  She's always been interested in graphic design, and while we're not a graphic designer, we do work in a related field that can provide a setting for shawn's creativity.  She's had times when she's felt that some of our other teens have more talent than she does, and it would do her good to let go of this belief and develop her self-confidence.